


To Kiss The Stars

by TransparentSheepDeer



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon: Devilman Crybaby, Denial of Feelings, I'm hesitant to tag this as love confession, M/M, Mutual Pining, because it is there, but there is no follow-up kiss or anything so, decide for yourself if that's your cup of tea or nah, minor fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 03:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19845046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransparentSheepDeer/pseuds/TransparentSheepDeer
Summary: They both pretend the problems don't exist.





	To Kiss The Stars

They are on Ryo’s terrace, by the pool, leaning against the rails, and it’s quiet. So, so quiet.

Ryo wonders if he should say something. Akira hasn’t in a while.

Ryo doesn’t know why he is here. He came over, asked if he could stay the night, and left it at that.

Akira is troubled. Ryo can see that.

But he doesn’t know how to ask him about it. If he should ask him about it at all. Something bad happened, or something that made Akira nervous, that much is clear.

Ryo knows that the two of them are very different. If this happened to him, he would pretend that everything was fine.

Akira does not pretend that everything was fine. But he doesn’t tell Ryo what exactly is the problem.

Ryo knows that he should bring it up, that it would be appropriate to try to console him. He knows this. But if Akira shared his thoughts, told him about his worries, Ryo would have to respond accordingly.

And that’s why he doesn’t attempt to ask him. He knows he couldn’t give him the comfort he needed.

He glances at Akira. It’s not subtle; he knows Akira can see his head move.

But his friend continues to stare at the city. His form is hunched over ever so slightly, his arms crossed on the rail. Their only source of light is from a single lamp in the living room, and Ryo can barely take out his features.

Not like there is much to see on his face. Ryo has always had a hard time telling people’s emotions apart, especially negative ones. People always pretend those don’t exist. Ryo is sure that Akira is in pain, that he is covering it up. Partially, at least – he seems somber, deep in thought, but he doesn’t say it out loud.

Which leaves the responsibility to Ryo. The literal only person who is incapable of handling it.

It’s getting worse by the minute. Ryo wants to be there for him – and even just admitting this little thing costs him a significant segment of his pride. He knows it’s stupid, but he can’t help it.

Akira still looks out at the city. Ryo stops looking at him. He wants to sigh, but he refrains himself.

He is getting bored of the city’s view. The lights of the cars, street lamps, and several eighty-story condominiums is starting to give him a serious headache. He wants to look at something else, but that also requires him to go away from Akira. He can’t do that – even if he can’t say anything, he feels that common courtesy at least requires him to stay at his side.

He settles on looking upwards.

The stars should be there. They’re not, of course. There’s too much light pollution.

It comes out of his mouth before Ryo can think it over:

“Do you ever wonder what it’d be like to see the stars tonight?”

Ryo glances at Akira, trying to hide his anxiety. He never says things like this. He never does. He doesn’t want Akira to know that he thinks about something as insignificant as this.

But it seems that it brings Akira out of his trance. Akira takes a deep breath, stretches his arms over his head with a groan.

Then he finally looks at Ryo. He doesn’t say anything, just traces his features with is eyes.

Ryo looks back, keeping his expression blank. He doesn’t want Akira to know how puzzled and lost he feels.

Akira’s eyes meet his, and he breaks into a smile. He turns away, pushing a hand through his dark hair, and Ryo hears his laughter.

His confusion increases exponentially. “ _What_?”

Akira glances back with a tired grin. “It’s just that… I was thinking about them, too.” Before Ryo can ask who, he adds: “The stars.”

Ryo nods. He waits for Akira to go on, but he doesn’t; he just stares at him.

It makes Ryo uncomfortable. “Why were you thinking about the stars?”

Akira shrugs. “They remind me of you.”

That sounds… that definitely sounds kind of romantic. Ryo is really, really bad at detecting such things, but he knows which words and phrases are generally considered romantic. Comparing someone to the stars definitely _is_ romantic.

Or maybe he is just tired and reads too much into it. Akira is affectionate anyway, he can mean it in a friendly way too.

And not like Ryo would ask him for a clarification, anyway. “I don’t see the connection.”

Akira shakes his head. “Of course you don’t,” he says softly.

It sounds like an insult, and Ryo wants to defend himself – then he notices that Akira is smiling to himself. He misinterpreted it.

“Then explain it to me.”

Akira doesn’t reply. Ryo’s best guess is that he is either thinking or not going to answer, as he diverts his gaze from his face.

He doesn’t let it go, though. “Akira. Explain.”

Akira hums. “I will, I’m just thinking it over.” He pushes some hair out of his face, then finally looks back at Ryo and starts: “It’s like, a very specific image that pops into my mind, so bear with me.”

Ryo frowns. “…okay.”

Akira opens his mouth a few times, but doesn’t go on. Ryo finds it somewhat annoying, but he waits for him to get it together.

“They remind me of you, because you look like someone who’s obsessed with the stars.”

Ryo tilts his head to express his confusion. “Me. Obsessed. With the stars.”

“Just listen to me.”

Ryo makes a gesture: _Go on_.

Akira doesn’t look at him. Instead, he drums his fingers on the rail, moving all of them at the same time. “In the image, you are in a field, and it’s night. You’re all by yourself. You are laying on your back with your arms folded over your stomach, and you watch the stars. You are far away from the city, and the stars are as clear as ever.”

It seems that Akira finished, but Ryo doesn’t know what to say.

When the silence is getting uncomfortable, he manages an “Oh.”

“‘Oh?’” Akira repeats. Ryo looks at him, and Akira breaks into a little smile. “What does that mean?” he asks.

“I don’t know. What do you mean?”

“...”

Ryo waves him away. “Forget it.”

Silence again. This time, they’re not looking at the city. At least, Ryo is not. He watches the sky behind the mountains, and feels…

“You’re wrong.”

Akira’s reply is quiet. “Huh?”

Ryo changes his posture, he straightens himself, then hunches again. “I said you’re wrong.”

“How? What is-? I don’t get what you’re talking about.”

Ryo examines his nails. He is trying too hard not to look at Akira, but he hopes it’s not as obvious as he feels it is. “Your image. Your image of me watching the stars alone. It’s incorrect.”

Akira chuckles, but Ryo feels he is more confused than happy. “It’s just a thought.”

Ryo shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I mean.”

He doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t want to look at Akira when he says it. While Ryo is not one to talk about his feelings or acknowledge them, even he knows when things gets serious. Like now. Because if he says it out loud, he can’t take it back. And he can’t predict how Akira will react. He never can.

A part of him wonders – so why bother saying it at all? He has no answer for that. He could speculate, but if he starts, he won’t stop, and he’ll never get around to saying it.

“Well you asked about the stars just now, it’s only right that I-”

“The fault of your imagination is that you left yourself out of it.”

It’s out. And just a millisecond after he said it, Ryo already feels regret. It’s stupid, this is stupid, why did he say that, _why, why, why-_

Ryo’s heart is beating faster. Not fast enough for him to have trouble breathing, but fast enough that it becomes inconvenient.

Akira frowns. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

Of course it’s the one time Akira can’t read Ryo’s thoughts. Why would it be easy?

“I would not go to watch the stars alone,” Ryo begins, eyeing Akira carefully, “I would take you with me.”

Akira smiles. “Ah, that’s so nice of you!”

Ryo holds up a hand. “I wasn’t finished.”

Akira nods, “Go on.”

“Because… because that sounds like something interesting to do, and… I can’t imagine myself in any way- I can’t imagine a future where- I…” This is embarrassing. Ryo honestly wants to just shut up and ask Akira to forget it, but he is too deep in.

He takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and forces himself to continue: “I can’t imagine a future without you in it.” It feels like it’s someone else talking instead of him. But he can’t stop. “If I were to watch the stars, you would be there beside me. There is no other version in my mind.”

There is so much more that he wants to say.

_I want you there beside me and listen to me as I point at stars and constellations, and you will make horrible jokes, and I will pretend that they are annoying when I’m actually fighting a smile, and you’ll take my hand and be close to me and-_

But he doesn’t dare tell him. Just admitting them to himself leaves him shaking in a way he can barely cover up.

Akira holds out a hand, and it makes Ryo flinch. His heart wants to jump out of his chest, even though Akira’s response is not negative.

“Why don’t we go right now?”

Ryo has to take a moment. “Where?”

Akira shuffles closer to him, the extended hand lowering. Ryo doesn’t know whether to have a bad feeling about it or not, but it certainly makes him anxious.

“Why don’t we go watch the stars? What stops us from doing it right now?” Akira asks. His voice is quiet, a whisper.

They are standing close to each other. So close. They are always close, but this is different. Neither Ryo, nor Akira intends to move away.

Ryo feels that something is different about this. He knows something is happening between them, something yet unsaid, but he can’t put his finger on it, no matter how hard he tries to pin it down.

He stares into Akira’s eyes. They’re warm, like always – except now they seem more welcoming than usual.

Ryo can’t tear his gaze away. “Because if we go now, this moment will be over,” he whispers, eyes flicking to Akira’s lips for a moment, “and I don’t want it to be.”

Something changes in Akira’s gaze. Something changes, and for first time, Ryo knows _exactly_ what it means.

Several seconds pass in silence. Ryo swears he can feel Akira’s hesitancy.

Not like he is any better. There is a battle inside him, with one side desperately wanting to pull Akira in, and the other hitting every panic button imaginable, screaming _don’t do it, don’t do it, he can’t know, don’t let him see_.

Akira breaks the silence first. But his voice is so quiet that it barely makes a difference. “Do you promise to go with me? When all of this is over? That we’ll go and look at the stars?”

Ryo wants to say yes. Yes, they’ll go. _Of course they’ll go_.

But he can’t. _He can’t_. Not because he doesn’t want to; but because he is not sure if they can make it. If they can defeat the demons, if Akira is strong enough, if Akira’s and his efforts are enough. Even if they make a difference in Japan – what about everywhere else? What about the rest of the world? How can they possibly defeat the demons if they just keep coming?

But he has to say yes. He _has to_. Even if he doesn't believe it, even if it's impossible to believe it. 

Because Akira needs to hear it. Because this is what has been bothering him.

Ryo would be a fool to not use his only chance to calm him.

He nods, and puts on a smile, a smile that he has been faking for so long he can't remember. “I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> this work was inspired by:
> 
> a) aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe (because they watch the stars too and that story is really really cute),
> 
> b) my first Japanese class where I learned how to spell star in Japanese with hiragana: ほし (hoshi), and I am so happy,
> 
> c) the poem _Turm_ (1984) by Josef Michaelis that goes like "No matter how tall you are, you'll never kiss the stars!". when I first read it, I thought it was some snobbish, condescending, pessimistic thing, but then I accidentally attended an event where he was there, and he turned out to be this, very cute old man, and he said that he wrote the poem thinking that we humans always try to reach the stars, but no matter how hard we try we'll never get there, and that made me like the poem a lot. also made me think a lot about how the readers' and writers' interpretations can be so different
> 
> d) my need for angsty-mutual-pining-with-alternative-love-confession-but-without-them-acting-on-their-feelings kind of ryokira content
> 
> e) the last scene with these two together, which is them watching the stars ;-;
> 
> please leave kudos & comments if you liked it! even if you let me know in a few words that you liked it, it means a lot to me! getting comments is the fun part of posting my writing so please don't hold yourself back :D
> 
> thank you for reading!


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